Peer Harassment: What You Need to Know
© 2004 Laurie A. Couture, M.Ed., LMHC

There are many names for peer harassment: Getting picked on, teased, bullied or being made fun of, are the most common. Most kids have experienced it at some point during their 13 years in school. There are many kids who go through a period of being targeted by one person, or by a group. There are many other kids who suffer severe peer harassment day after day for years and years in school. Peer harassment may seem fun and harmless to those who engage in it, but it can cause severe pain and suffering to the person being targeted. It can have life long negative affects on a person’s self esteem and self worth. It can lead some kids to suicide or homicide.

Adults don’t take it seriously

Up until recent years when harassed kids started shooting up schools, adults didn’t take peer harassment seriously. Some still do not. Most of the books and articles written for adults still call peer harassment “bullying” or “teasing”. This makes the problem seem like it is not very harmful or serious. Most adults would not tolerate what many kids have to endure each day in school. If they were harassed in the same way at work, they wouldn’t call it “teasing”!

Why are kids so cruel?

In public school, kids have no power or control over their education, their time, what they learn, their school environment, the way teachers treat them, or even their own bodies. Every human being needs to have some level of power and control in their lives. If they don’t, they can become either passive and weak, or domineering and cruel.

Kids are not born cruel. Kids who are emotionally neglected or treated harshly and cruelly by parents and teachers build up rage and anger inside. They may take that rage and anger out on someone weaker than themselves, because it has to come out somewhere.

Schools set kids up to form an underground peer culture. Schools segregate kids according to age and academic ability. Kids form groups or cliques in order to feel they have power over something. Sometimes, these groups are a positive thing, and unite kids who have similar interests. But most groups, or cliques, are exclusive. That means these cliques show their power by excluding others, taunting them or hurting them. It is not only the angry, abused kids who are cruel to their peers. School sets all kids up to be cruel. Kids who may seem sweet and mature to the adults around them can be nasty and cruel to other kids.

Sometimes kids who are harassed by their peers join other cliques to protect themselves. In order to appear tough and in order to make themselves feel better, they may begin severely harassing other peers. They take their anger and rage out by causing other kids the same pain they felt.

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Why do certain kids get singled out?

Kids get singled out for endless reasons in public school, most of them having to do with whether or not a kid is considered “cool”. These are some common reasons why a kid may be targeted for harassment:

1. Not having the “right” clothes
2. Not having the “right” brand clothes
3. Not wearing the “right” clothes the “right” way
4. Not having the “right” hair cut
5. Not having the “right” material possessions (cell phone, video game system, car, bike, trading cards, toys, etc.)
6. Liking the “wrong” type of music
7. Liking the “wrong” music group/artist
8. Appearing “too smart”.
9. Appearing too “weird”, too different or too unique
10. Not being a “jock” or “preppie”
11. Not being wealthy enough
12. Being of a younger age or lower grade in school
13. Belonging to a certain group of kids
14. Being shy or a loner
15. Being wild, creative, hyperactive and spirited
16. Being witty and intelligent
17. Being overweight
18. Being underweight
19. Being seen as unattractive
20. Delayed puberty
21. Premature puberty
22. Not being “tough” enough
23. Being of a different race or culture than the dominant culture of the school
24. Not having a girlfriend or boyfriend
25. Being perceived as “gay”
26. Being bisexual, gay or transgendered
27. Being seen with the “wrong” person
28. Being a virgin
29. Refusing to try substances
30. Being seen being nurtured by parents in public
31. Not being rebellious enough
32. Etc, etc!

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What determines who is “cool”?

Trying to be cool is hard work. A kid must constantly be up to date. A piece of clothing, a clothing brand or a music band that is cool today maybe be “queer” in two months.

Some kids just seem to be “naturally” popular, and don’t need to work at it. They may be wealthy, play sports, know the right people, have parents in high places in the community, always have the most cutting edge clothes and material possessions and seem super attractive to others.

Other kids have to work at it, but once they get in with the “right” people, they are usually accepted.

Other kids struggle to look, act and get the right things so they can fit in to some group. They may be cool to a few people, but are usually shunned by most of the popular kids. They have to be careful, because if they do the slightest thing that is “uncool” they could be targeted for harassment for a period of time, or for severe harassment that lasts years. They have to work hard to maintain the status that they have.

Some kids try really hard to be cool, but never seem to “get it”. Their attempts to “be cool” seem to always fail miserably, and kids target them for severe harassment.

Some kids don’t try at all to be cool. Some are just left alone and dress and do their own thing. They aren’t seen as “cool”, but they tend to be ignored. They may have one or two friends, and are all alone when those friends aren’t around.

Other kids are seen as “the lowest of the low”. These kids usually dress out of style and have a bad haircut. They may have poor hygiene. They may be seen as unattractive by the popular kids. They may be seen as “geeks”, “losers” or “brainiacs”. Some of these kids may be mentally retarded or autistic. These kids tend to suffer severe harassment on a daily basis, usually every year that they stay in school.

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Types of cliques

Most middle and high schools have groups or cliques that involve some variation of the following types of groups:

1. The Preppies/Snobs/Populars
2. The Jocks
3. The Sluts/Players
4. The Skaters
5. The Class Clowns/Troublemakers
6. The Metal Heads/Rockers/Headbangers
7. The Thugs/Gangstas/Hip Hoppers
8. The Goths/Emo kids
9. The Punks
10. The Stoners/Druggies
11. The Hippies/Granolas/Crunchies
12. The Straight Edge/Squares
13. The Gaming kids (into Dungeons and Dragons and Magic the Gathering)
14. The Wanna-Bes
15. The Losers/Hicks/Geeks/Scrubs

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What peer harassment does to kids

We talked about the reasons why kids harass other kids. But let’s talk reality here. Peer harassment is very traumatic to kids and can do more than just hurt their feelings. Peer harassment doesn’t just make a kid know that he or she is “uncool”, it can make kids feel like they are worthless as human beings. It can cause emotional damage to a kid that can cause permanent, life long problems with self esteem and socialization. To break it down, peer harassment can cause the following traumatic affects in kids:

1. Depression
2. Fear and terror
3. Anxiety
4. Low self esteem
5. Feelings of worthlessness
6. Self hatred
7. Anger and rage
8. Social withdrawal
9. Loneliness
10. Giving up talents, skills, interests
11. Hatred for other people
12. Harassment of other people
13. Mental illness
14. Nightmares
15. School failure
16. School vandalism
17. Criminal activity
18. Self abuse
19. Violence and assault
20. Suicidal thoughts
21. Homicidal fantasies
22. Suicide
23. Homicide

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If you are being harassed…

There is nothing wrong with who you are as a human being. You should not have to change who you are in order to survive in school. If you are being harassed, immediately report the incidents to the main office at the school. Document every single time it happens, and the name of the people who are harassing you. If the school refuses to take action, or if their action didn’t help, file a police report against those who harassing you the worst, or against those who started it. Take legal action. It is your legal right. You have a right to receive an education in a safe environment, free of abuse and harassment. If the situation becomes intolerable, ask your parents to back you in transferring to a private school or better yet, home school yourself. Try not to take what the harassers have said to you personally. Know you are a good person, and “cool” in your own way. Try not to “stoop down to their level” by harassing other kids to make yourself feel better. Be better than that.

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If you harass other kids…

Some kids may seem “weird”, unattractive or may have terrible hygiene. They may “weird you out”, disgust you or make you mad at their “immaturity”. You may be hurting because of how you are treated at home, by teachers, or by other kids at school. Certain kids may seem like easy targets to get out your anger. You may even find it to be fun or hilarious to harass “uncool” kids with your friends. Or, you may have been taught to believe that you are better than other kids because of your money, your parent’s position, the way you look, the way you dress, the sports you are involved in, the car you drive or the people you know. If you feel some of these things, you are not alone.

Please be aware that when you choose to harass another person, it is often deeply painful to that person. You may think your comment, snubbing, rumors or dirty looks or no big deal, or are even funny. You may not realize how seriously that person may be taking it, or how many years of harassment they have been made to take. You may have no idea what that kid is going through at home. Ask yourself, is the thing you are harassing them about worth causing them life long lasting damage? Is it worth making them feel like they are worthless people? Is it worth causing someone so much suffering that they may feel like they have to resort to violence, suicide or homicide in order to survive?

Let kids mature and grow up at their own pace. Their lives are not yours to live. Let kids be who they are, even if it “weirds you out”. Stay away from them and leave them alone if you cannot accept who they are. If you are a mature, sensitive person, try making that out-casted person’s life a little easier. Smile at them. Tell your friends to “lay off” when they start harassing the kid. Challenge yourself to talk to that person and find out a little bit about what they must go through every day. If you are a popular person, make that person’s day by “being seen” saying “hi” to him or her. Pretend for a moment that you are that person-- what would it be like to go to school and walk the halls? Walk by your friends? Walk by YOU?

If you refuse to stop harassing others, be aware that victims can take real legal action against you, especially if your comments are racial or sexual. Schools are starting to take all forms of peer harassment more seriously. You may be facing that kid in court, trying to explain why you keep harassing him or her! Judges and juries don’t care about what’s “cool”, who is “cool” and who is “a loser”- so your reasons for harassing won’t hold up in court!

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Tolerance for differences

A sign of maturity is not being afraid to accept another person’s differences, even if you do not like those differences. Not everyone can be like everyone else. People come from different backgrounds and different circumstances. Kids cannot know all that is going on with other kids, or why those kids act, dress and look the way they do. They may be doing the best they can to survive whatever circumstances they have.

Hatred for others comes out of fear of differences. But what a boring world it would be if everyone looked, acted and dressed the same way or liked the same things. Challenge yourself to expand yourself a little bit and try new things, meet different types of people and look at things a different way. You will be a better person for it.

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