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Sexual Assault Can Happen to ANYONE!
© 2004 Laurie A. Couture, M.Ed., LMHC
You’ve probably only been told ½ the truth about sexual assault…
Most kids have heard about sexual assault, but they’ve only been told ½ of the truth. Most kids have had people come into their school to talk about sexual assault. They have probably been given the message that sexual assault is something that happens to girls. Kids have probably been told that they need to watch out for males that sexually assault or harass girls. But have you ever heard the whole truth? The fact is that both girls and boys are equally at risk for sexual assault by adults. Boys are also almost equally at risk for sexual harassment. And yes, girls also sexually harass and date rape guys, and women sexually assault children of both sexes.
What is sexual assault and sexual abuse?
Sexual assault is when anyone, male or female, perpetrates (acts out) any type of unwanted sexual activity against another person, either male or female. For example, it is sexual assault if at any time, someone says “no” or “stop” during sexual activity and that person refuses to stop.
Statutory rape is when a person over the age of consent, such as an 18 year old, has sex with a younger adolescent, such as a 15 year old, even if the 15 year old “consented” to or wanted the sex.
In the case of children, sexual assault, or sexual abuse, of a child is when any adult (male or female) engages in any type of sexual activity with a child (girl or boy) under the age of consent. The age of consent varies by state, but it is usually age 16.
Some adults are sick and only want to have sex with children, not other adults. They usually have been sexually abused as children. They carefully lure children to gain their trust so that they can do sexualized things to them. These people are called pedophiles, and are very dangerous to children.
Some forms of sexual abuse of children include:
- sexualized kissing,
- touching the child’s body in a sexualized way,
- touching a child’s genitals,
- raping a child (girls and boys can be raped by men or women)
- forcing a child to touch the adult sexually,
- forcing a child to look at the adult’s genitals,
- taking sexualized photographs or videos of a child,
- calling a child sexualized names (“sexy”, “asshole”, “fag”, “slut”, etc.),
- watching an older child undress or bathe when there is no need to do so,
- forcing two or more children to engage in sexual activity while the adult watches,
- making a child act like a husband or wife to a lonely parent.
Sexual harassment is a form of sexual assault. It is when a person (male or female) gives unwanted sexual attention to another person. This could be in the form of unwanted staring, touching, name calling or starting sexualized rumors about a person.
Rape is when a male or a female forces another person to have sex against that person’s will. Rape involves penetration (entering) another person’s mouth, vagina or anus. Most reported rapes happen when a male penetrates a female’s vagina. However, rape is also when a male forcibly penetrates another male, or when a female forces a male to penetrate her (a male can get an erection if nervous or anxious), or if a female forcibly penetrates another female (for example, with an object).
Sexual assault is a very serious. It can cause serious trauma to the victims (especially children) and it can get the perpetrator in serious legal trouble.
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What is NOT sexual assault?
It is not sexual abuse when parents or caretakers need to help young or disabled children to clean, bathe or change themselves, or who need help with toileting or medical care. It is not sexual abuse when doctors and nurses examine children’s bodies and genitals to be sure they are healthy.
It is not sexual harassment when someone asks you out or likes you, unless they refuse to stop asking you out after you’ve said “no”.
It is not sexual assault when you are of the age of consent and you willingly engage in sexual activity with someone also of the age of consent. However, if one of you says “no”, or to stop at any point, you both must stop, or it could be considered rape.
It is not legal or ok for anyone to accuse someone of sexual assault when it is false. Saying you were date raped to get out of trouble, if you were not date raped, is illegal, and could ruin your partner’s life.
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Let’s go back to the problem of being told only ˝ the truth…
At the beginning of this article, I mentioned the problem of kids only being told ˝ the truth about sexual assault. Most kids aren’t told that all people are at risk for sexual assault, and that both males and females perpetrate sexual assault.
If people have visited your school to talk about sexual assault or sexual harassment, the boys in the audience may have even been made to believe that all boys are bad. This information is dangerous to all kids because it is biased and is based on a political agenda. That’s a big word for “someone else’s opinion”. That means that certain political groups of people, usually feminists, want people to believe that only females are at risk for sexual assault and that only males sexually assault people. They say this because they get money from the Government for the programs that they run to help women. They don’t want that money to be shared to help men and boys, too.
But what they are doing is wrong. They are only protecting and helping females, and leaving males out. They also are making it easier for women to sexually abuse children, because people don’t think females will do it. The other problem, too, is that people start thinking that all males are dangerous, even very little boys! Have you heard of the many ridiculous cases of little boys as young as six years old who have been called “sexual harassers” because they kissed a girl, or ran out to the school bus nude after jumping out of the bath tub?
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How to protect yourself against sexual assault
Sexual assault can happen to anyone at any age. You can protect yourself by trusting your gut feeling about people and situations.
- If you are with a person that is making you feel uncomfortable, trust your gut and get away from that person.
- If you are in a situation or place that seems like it may be dangerous, get out of it!
- Many teens get themselves into dangerous situations when they are drinking or smoking weed at a party or with a group of people they don’t know well. They may think they can trust the people they are with, but once people get drunk or wasted, they may be forced against their will to do sexual acts.
- Getting in cars with people you don’t know well is also a danger. Once in a car, you are trapped.
Try not to put yourself in dangerous situations. If you find yourself in one, get out as soon as possible!
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What to do if you have been sexually assaulted
If someone has raped you or perpetrated any unwanted sexual acts against you, tell a trusted adult (such as your parents or guardians) immediately! A police report should immediately be filed. You will be interviewed and probably examined at the hospital. This may all seem very scary, but it is important so that a legal case can be made against the perpetrator.
If you were sexually abused when you were younger, and it is no longer happening, tell a trusted adult as soon as you can! A police report should also be filed, as well as a report with your state’s child protection agency.
If someone has threatened to rape or sexually assault you, immediately tell a trusted adult and file a police report.
If someone has sexually harassed you at school, tell someone in the main office or a school guidance counselor as soon as possible. I also recommend that you tell your parents. If the school does not protect you, and the harassment continues, file a police report.
If you have suffered any of these things, get connected with a local rape crisis agency, crisis intervention specialist or a therapist. You have suffered a serious trauma, and it will take time to heal. It will help to have someone to talk to and help you heal.
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You are not to blame!
Sometimes kids who are sexually assaulted blame themselves and think they are at fault. Sometimes, a kid can feel sexually aroused during a sexual assault. This is normal! That is how the body parts work- it does not mean that you are at fault for the assault!
Sometimes, a child who was sexually abused by an adult believes that they deserved the abuse because they wanted the attention from the adult. This is not true! A child is never at fault for sexual abuse!
Sometimes kids feel like they are “gay” if they were sexually abused by an adult of the same sex. Being sexually abused has nothing to do with your sexual orientation! A criminal act was committed against you- even if you felt aroused during the abuse, it has nothing to do with your sexual orientation!
Sometimes boys who are sexually abused by women believe that they are “lucky” because an older woman “had sex” with them. Or a boy may be told by others that he is “lucky” and must “be gay” if he didn’t “like it”. When a woman sexually abuses a boy, it is a criminal act. Even if the boy enjoyed the attention, the responsibility is still on the woman to not engage in sexual abuse. It is not “lucky” to have a grown adult take advantage of the trust of a child. It is not “lucky” to have a grown adult perpetrate rape or sexual activity against a child. A boy cannot get help if people think that what happened to him was “lucky”! The adult is sick and needs help. She also cannot get help if people think what she did was a good thing! She will be free to do it to another child!
Sometimes, kids put themselves in a dangerous situation and were sexually assaulted. You are still not at fault for the sexual assault! The responsibility always lies with the perpetrator!
Sometimes a kid cannot find help because she or he was sexually assaulted by a female, and no one seems to take it seriously. Sometimes a boy cannot find help because some rape crisis centers only want to help females. Sometimes these kids can only find books or help literature that is biased, and doesn’t list their type of situation. In all of these cases, please know that you deserve help. Your situation should be taken seriously. Ask and ask for help until you find someone who will listen to you and take your situation seriously. Speak out to the rape crisis centers and say that they must provide you with help or a referral. Tell them you will write a letter to the Governor of your state to complain- then do it! Find out your Governor’s name and address on-line!
Remember, sexual assault can happen to anyone. Protect yourself. Get help if you have been hurt. Be patient with yourself, as it may take a long time to heal. Know it is not your fault, and that you are not alone!
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